someone threw a dead crab at me
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
