I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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