I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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