I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
