I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
