i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
