nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize