Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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