i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
