well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
