Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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