she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
What a dumb baby whore.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
