I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
