i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
