I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
