dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
