I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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