Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
