I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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