Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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