So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
