I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
