If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
