I molested 6 butterflies tonight
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
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Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
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She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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