I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
