If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize