We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
