2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
