You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
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he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
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I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize