The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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