I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
