i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
pray to the hookup gods
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
