Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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