So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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