I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
