dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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