flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
