There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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