I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
