he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
