In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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