seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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