Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
