I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
