when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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