Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
