He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
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I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
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What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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