mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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