Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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