i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
