i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
