It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm just crazy horny about you
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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