So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
