I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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