It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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