proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
birth control should be required to get into college
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
