He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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