Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
